You are the queen, it’s your call
There is a golden rule I try to live by, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ The thing is, there is just one rule, not one rule for you and a different rule for others. What I don’t understand is how we get it all reversed: we treat others with love and respect and then we don’t have anything left for ourselves. Especially if we are women and especially if we believe that we are not beautiful, thin and successful enough. Time and again the topic of diet and exercise comes up in conversations and each time I realize just how many women still haven’t made peace with their bodies. I’m talking about average size women with healthy bodies, intelligent and wealthy enough to take care of all their needs. Many of us are already in our (roaring?) forties and I just want to know: If you haven’t made peace with your body yet, just when exactly are you planning to do it? When will you reach the magical age when all of a sudden it will finally be OK to start loving and accepting yourself? In your 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or on your deathbed? Or are you happy to live your whole life being unhappy with how you look?
We wouldn’t dream of ever telling our best friend that she can’t wear shorts or swimwear, that she isn’t allowed to swim and have fun on the beach with family and friends, yet this is exactly what we tell ourselves!! We would rather die than be seen in a bathing suit yet we all look more or less the same, nobody is perfect! Somehow we believe that only thin women are allowed to wear bikinis and jump into the pool of life and have some fun. “Sorry girl, if you’re not perfect, you have to sit on the sidelines of life, no fun for you!” So there we sit, hot and bothered while our partners and children have fun with their also ‘not-so-perfect’ but totally lovable bodies. Treat yourself with a coffee in a shopping center and do some people watching. Very soon you will realize that absolutely nobody is perfect, that we all are very unique and very human, different but still the same. How liberating would it be to make peace with that?!
Most parents realize at some stage that you don’t get very far in raising a healthy child with a healthy self-esteem by shouting, screaming, criticizing, punishing, depriving, starving, torturing or hating them. Yet this is exactly what we do with our bodies! We stand naked in front of a mirror and try to find as many reasons possible why we are ugly, despicable and totally unworthy of love. We focus on double chins, soft bellies, sagging bums, stretch marks, varicose veins, cellulite and who knows what else. Why not focus on all the wonderful things you can do with your body? Arms to hug your loved ones, hands to touch them, cook delicious food and being able to wipe your own nose, strong legs and feet to take you wherever you would like to go, from strolling on the beach to walking into your favourite coffee shop.
Maybe we just need a little bit of perspective. Maybe this is a first world problem? Imagine trying to tell a woman living in a squatter or refugee camp just exactly why you hate your body so much. Why you have to go on yet another diet. All this while she is scavenging for food and trying to keep herself and her children alive. Or visit a hospital and ask someone who is fighting for life just how important good looks and thin thighs are right now.
Or is it a case of social conditioning? I imagine most ladies would choke on their skinny cappuccinos if one of their friends suddenly announce that they are OK with their bodies, that they have finally made peace with their imperfections and love themselves anyway. Yet nobody would bat an eye if you embark on a body-bashing tirade, they would jump right on the bandwagon with you and rattle off a list of all their imperfections, just like a well-trained parrot! It is much more socially acceptable to hate yourself than love yourself, how odd and sad is that?
We would be very upset if our partner or close friends were conditional in their love for us. If they only loved us at our goal weight or if we had no stretch marks, we would surely get out of the relationship. But yet again this is exactly what we do to ourselves! We set up specific rules, such as losing weight and getting rid of all our perceived ‘ugly’ parts, before we will even consider loving ourselves. Now here’s the secret – if you don’t love yourself when you are ‘imperfect’ you are not magically going to start liking yourself when you are thin or beautiful enough. Deep down you will know it is fake, you will know there are conditions to your love and just as you don’t like your partner putting conditions on loving you, you sure as hell are not going to tolerate it just because it is ‘you’ who put conditions on loving yourself! How do we know this? Just ask any woman who has been a yo-yo dieter, losing and gaining weight in a never ending cycle. If you haven’t done the inner work, addressing your emotional reasons for overeating and not loving yourself, no diet will ever keep off the weight. You have to realize that it is never about the food, it is always about your relationship with yourself. If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you can’t love your children, partner or others unconditionally. If you say you love others unconditionally but you can’t show yourself that same kind of love, you are still dealing with conditional love. You are not there yet.
The good news is that you have the power to change this. You are a queen ruling your headspace. You have to decide if you want to rule with weapons of self-destruction, or if you want to rule with peace, unconditional love and self-acceptance. You are the queen, it’s your call.